Minimal Cause
by yo-sirrah
Summary: Mass Effect: In which Commander Shepard comes back from the dead and doesn't have time to read the damn datapad. Rated for language and grenade launchers.
1. In Which Shepard Wakes Up

Chapter 1: In Which Shepard Wakes Up

"Commander! Commander _wake up_!"

Shepard came groggily to, running a hand over the side of her face, fingers inching along the deep tracks of a near-open flesh wound.

"Commander, your scars aren't fully healed yet, but you have to get up, _now_!"

Her entire world was white-hot: too bright; too loud; painful. She grasped her side as she slid off the metal medical table and stumbled clumsily across the floor to a locker as instructed by the harpy over loudspeaker.

"Grab the pistol and armour from the locker. We don't have time, _hurry_!"

"Shut up! It's not like I'm playing board games here...oh _come on_, this thing doesn't even have a clip!" Shepard yelled at the omnipresent voice, forcing herself into a perfectly recreated set of her old armour at record speed.

"Ugh. Stop whining. Somebody's hacked the mechs, they're trying to kill you."

"What? Why? I just woke up, I don't even know what's going on." She skirted into the corridor warily, grabbing a thermal clip from the floor and then heading into cover in the next logical room.

"I don't have time to explain it to you."

"Couldn't you explain it to me right now on the go, instead of saying that?"

"No. Also, mechs are heading in your direction, stay out of cover until you've taken them out."

"Yeah, I'm aware of how this works." She leaned out of cover and fired the contents of her pistol into the oncoming mechs, mostly missing. Fortunately the explosions from damaged hardware finished themselves off. "Couldn't you explain it _now_, while I'm not actually moving anywhere?"

"Still no. Head to the next room."

Shepard moved up the stairs and onto a balcony in the next area. On the floor there was a grenade launcher next to some poor, dead bastard. "Won't be needing this piece of crap now!" She tossed her pistol over the side and grabbed the launcher, taking up residence behind the rail.

"Shepard, was that really necessary? Couldn't you have carried both?"

"Sod it." Leaning out of cover, she fired a grenade into an oncoming squad of mechs and then took the elevator down onto the walkway.

"You have biotics, you know. Just in case you forgot..."

"I'm well aware that I do." Shepard replied, tossing the grenade launcher to slide along the ground under a jet of fire as she sprinted through it herself.

"Then I assume you're aware that it's not necessary to cause the biggest amount of explosions wherever you go?

"What's the deal? It's only a little fire." She grabbed the launcher again and side-stepped into a corridor just in time to see an YMIR mech closing in on one helpless guy.

"We couldn't get insurance, Commander! Not with you on the base!"

"What the hell is going on here?" Shepard ran forward, placing her hands on the glass which separated them, looking around for a way in. The stranger screamed her name and banged on the window as the mech started firing an entire heavy round into him.

"Fuck!"

"Shepard, we don't have time for this. I can't keep the mechs stalled for long!"

"Considering they're out here _killing everybody _that doesn't seem like unexpected news! Can't you do something?"

"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

"Giving me useless instructions! I'm _Commander-Fucking-Shepard_, you really think I need you to hold my hand through this basic stuff while everyone else gets gunned down? Go and be useful somewhere else!"

"Fine." There was a pause before the voice spoke again. "They said you were a big jerk...you didn't need to shout at me. I can't believe we brought you back from the dead for this."

"Wait, what?" Shepard stopped in her tracks, looking up at the ceiling questioningly. "Hey, seriously. What was that?"

But there was only silence.

"HEY! Who said I was a big jerk?"

* * *

Moments later Shepard turned the corner and found herself in what looked like a poorly-designed waiting room. She shuffled over to a guy caught in a fire fight with yet more mechs, crouched down into position and didn't bother helping him.

"Shepard? What the hell?"

"What? I'm tired. Just how many mechs does this station have anyway?"

"That's not what I...never mind. Things must be worse than I thought if Miranda's got you running around."

"Miranda? Irritating accent? All-pervading voice?"

"That's her...though I wouldn't have put it that way myself. I'm Jacob, Jacob Taylor."

"Boring. Who is she anyway?"

"She's the director of the Lazarus Project."

"What's that?"

Jacob stopped, turning to her. "You mean you didn't listen to any of the datapads?"

Shepard was incredulous. "What? Why would I? I've been getting shot at. Why the hell would I stop to read datapads?"

He sighed. "What do you remember last?"

Shepard thought for a moment, then shook her head. "Hmm, nothing right now. I have a block."

Jacob reloaded his pistol. "Well, after the Normandy was destroyed, we recovered you. For the past two years you've been on this station, getting pieced together again. They called it The Lazarus Project."

"What, like the bible?"

"Yeah. Just like that, 'cause we raised you from the dead."

"You what? Wait, what- no, never mind. I don't even want to know about that right now." She searched for a way to change the topic. "The Lazarus Project...why not the Jesus Project?"

"Did you seriously just ask that?"

"More people can relate to Jesus."

"More people would be willing to put you back into a body bag if we went around calling you Jesus."

"What, so nobody gives a shit about Lazarus? Anyway, I heard Jesus was a prothean."

"I heard that you just took all the credit while Kaidan Alenko did all the hard work."

"What? That's not true! He wasn't even there at the end!"

"Whatever." Jacob used his biotics to throw the last mech over the railing and then began moving to the next room. "We need to get away from these mechs, fast."

"I need to get away from you guys, fast."

"Meat and tubes!" Jacob sang-song as he led her out of the room.

"...pasta?" Shepard hopefully inquired as she followed him.

"Deny. Your body was a hunk of beef jelly when they slopped you on the work bench. It was gross."

Shepard looked ill. Jacob carried on.

"It was like playing jigsaw with a can of spaghetti, and there was this one time a piece of you got caught on the button on this scientist's jacket. He was walking around for ages while you unravelled all over the corridor."

"Uhh..."

"Most of the time they were just winging it, shoving bits in wherever it would go. Man it was _nasty_."

"Okay, okay! I told you I didn't want to talk about it!"

* * *

The pair ascended a set of stairs and rounded a corner where Shepard leaned over a dead guy and began to hack his credit chit.

"Hey! Damn it Shepard, I'm not dead. It's me, Wilson?"

Jacob stepped forward. "Wilson! What are you doing over here? You don't have security clearance for this wing."

"I was trying to help. I came here to disable the mechs but whoever did this completely fried the system. It's no use. Get off me, Shepard!"

Shepard relented and stopped trying to hack Wilson's omnitool. "Fried the system? What does that even mean? You're not telling me that something as important as all the mechs on this station run off one panel?"

"We didn't plan for this contingency, Shepard."

"Why would you not?"

Jacob stepped between the two of them, waving his hands. "Hey, hey. We're not here to argue, we need to get Miranda and get off this station."

"I'm not going anywhere until somebody fixes my damn leg. I got shot!" Wilson groaned.

"Shepard, there should be some medigel over there. Hopefully there's enough to get him up and running again."

"What's the point? Look at him, he's not glamorous. He's clearly only a secondary character, he's probably going to die soon anyway."

Jacob helped Wilson to his feet and they stared, disbelieving, as Shepard grabbed the medigel and hoarded it in her suit without offering any to Wilson.

"You know...they said you were a big jerk, Shepard." Wilson wheezed as he continued to bleed out.

"Who said that?"

"We don't have time for this! We need to find Miranda." Jacob interjected.

"Screw Miranda. She probably started all this."

Shepard scrunched her eyebrows. "Didn't you say she spent the last two years running this project? Why would she put two years of her life into this and then get all crazy?"

"She wouldn't. This project was too important to her. If she was a traitor, then she wouldn't have bothered waking Shepard in the first place."

"Okay, fine. Maybe she's not a traitor, but she's not here now is she?" Wilson conceded. "We need to save ourselves!"

"You're just setting yourself up for a fall, aren't you?" Shepard mused.

"I'm still right, though." Another squad of mechs came through the door and before anyone else could react, Wilson overloaded the conveniently-placed explosive crates on the bridge and blew them up.

"How do you overload a box?"

"Shut up, Shepard!" Wilson leaned on Jacob's shoulder and began hobbling towards the exit, but Jacob stopped.

"Shepard, this is getting pretty tense. If I tell you who we work for, will you trust us?"

She considered this a moment. "Umm...no. Not really."

"Oh." Jacob said, and they continued on down the corridor.

* * *

There was just one more room between the team and the escape shuttles, but there was another squadron of mechs standing in their way. Shepard reached for her pistol, then realised she'd thrown it over the rails at the beginning of the tutorial.

"Shepard, you're kind of incompetent." Wilson noted, watching her crouch underneath a hail of gunfire.

"Yeah, what the hell, Shepard? Why didn't you bring the pistol that was with your armour?"

"Sod it." She leaned out of cover and fired a grenade into the doorway, causing a large explosion which almost blocked their only exit.

"What is wrong with you? You almost screwed everything up for us!" Wilson leaned against the doorway, kicking away a stray ceiling tile.

Jacob climbed over the rubble of eight shattered metal bodies and helped Wilson over. "Commander, if you fire that thing inside a building again I will shove it up your-"

"-Hey now." She interjected. "We're here."

Wilson shuffled forward and cleared the security check to give them access to the shuttle. The three were about to step inside when a woman stepped out and glared at them.

"Miranda? But you were supposed to be-" Gunfire interrupted him and before anyone could react, Wilson slumped to the floor.

"Dead?" The woman's breasts replied. It was the same tawdry-accented voice that had woke her up earlier. This must be Miranda.

"Hey," Jacob said. "You were right."

"Now aren't you glad you didn't waste the medigel?"

Miranda rolled her eyes and motioned for them to move into the shuttle with her handgun. "We'd better get going. My boss wants to speak with you."


	2. In Which Shepard Meets Her New Boss

Chapter 2: In Which Shepard Meets Her New Boss

Jacob flipped through the information in his omnitool. "Our records show that you're a walking miasma of misfortune and horror."

"What? That's not-"

"First, you were born on one of the colonies, Mindoir. When you were younger slavers hit your colony and you were the only one that survived. Everyone else was either taken into slavery or killed."

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Later, you were serving on Akuze and your platoon was hit by a thresher maw. You were again the only survivor."

"What has that-"

"On Virmire you were tasked with destroying Saren's research facility. Despite being only round the corner from her and having backup from a Salarian STG, you still managed to get one of your squad mates killed."

"Now that's not even-"

"You weren't even awake and nearly every one of our task force ended up dead."

"You can't blame me for that! Like you said, I wasn't even awake."

Jacob and Miranda looked at each other, then shook their heads in disgust. Jacob sat back and Miranda continued in his place.

"During the Battle of The Citadel you threw countless Alliance resources against the Geth to save the Destiny Ascension..."

"There were like ten thousand people on board, that Volus said so!"

"...let me finish! You wasted many human lives saving the council even though they've never proven to be of any use to anyone, apparently on the word of a..._volus_, wait, seriously? He said there were ten thousand people on board? Who told you that?"

"Well I never actually got his name..."

"You didn't even know his name? Where did you meet him?"

"Well, I never actually met him _per sé_..."

"You...you didn't meet him? How did he tell you about the Ascension?"

"Well I passed him in the wards and he was talking to this asari and he said-"

"And you believed him? You mobilised the Alliance for the words of a _volus_ that you _never actually met_ because you _overheard him_ when you were running around the wards?"

Shepard fidgeted in her seat awkwardly, and then stared out of the window at the facility coming into view. It was a huge, horizontally-based station which had no ties to any nearby planets or stars. She considered that it must have been quite difficult to hide such a large object, even in space. They must be close to the Terminus Systems if not already in them.

Miranda looked like she was about to continue, but Jacob stepped in again. "After you screwed up the Citadel, you met with the council. Do you remember what happened then?"

Shepard turned back to them, thankful for a question that didn't invite disaster. "Yeah. Humanity was offered a place on the council. I recommended Anderson for the position because Udina was a dick."

"Yeah...about that. _Captain_ Anderson is now _Councillor_ Anderson, though from what I hear he's terrible at his job and has the onset symptoms of a heavy drinking problem."

Shepard looked uncomfortable again. "I'm having a hard time believing that these questions are good for anything. Can we just move on now?" She pouted.

"There are other tests we really should run...but I don't want to depress myself anymore than I already am." Miranda sighed, exchanging a glance with Jacob, then they prepared to land.

* * *

After lunch, Shepard headed downstairs to a small, dimly-lit communications room. The only discerning piece of furniture was a round platform sat into the centre of the floor. Aside from this there was nothing else to give the room a purpose. She stepped forward onto it. On activation it raised itself higher by almost a foot and a bright orange light grid enclosed about her.

"Whoa, this is _awesome_. What is this?"

A lone figure sat in a chair in the middle of an empty room, his silhouette stark against a spectacular backdrop of a burning star, his only visible trait a pair of bright, unnaturally blue eyes. He inhaled on a cigarette and paused dramatically before speaking. "...Commander Shepard."

"This is what the council uses, isn't it?" She spun around on the platform and began waving her hands in the light.

"Nice to see you up and running."

Shepard leaned forward and stuck her arms outside the grid, creating the illusion of having no hands. "Look! Everyone should have one of these!"

"Shepard! Stop fucking around! We've got work to do."

"Oh, yeah. You..." She waved a finger at him. " Sorry, who are you?"

"Nobody told you?"

"Jacob _should_ have told me, but he didn't."

"Useless." The Illusive Man inhaled on his cigarette. "There are some who call me...The Illusive Man."

Shepard stared at him, waiting. When no more information was forthcoming, she spoke again. "What do the rest call you?"

"They...don't call me anything. The rest don't know I exist. I'm elusive."

"Oh." Shepard looked down at her feet nervously. "...then I shall call you Tim."

"You could call me Illusive Man?"

"Too long." There was an awkward silence. "Okay, well this is cool and all, but I thought we'd be meeting face-to-face."

Tim flicked the ash of his cigarette away. "A necessary precaution for those of us who know what you and I know."

"And what exactly is it that you and I know?"

"That humanity's place in the galaxy is...fragile. That one woman, one _very specific_ woman, could be all that stands between us and certain annihilation."

"Am I that woman?"

The Illusive Man looked exasperated. "Yes. You're that woman."

"You really _should_ have called it the Jesus Project."

"The Lazarus Project sounded cooler. Besides, if you actually think about it I'm more like Jesus and you're Lazarus, since you just led there on a table while everyone else did all the work-"

"But aren't I in charge of bringing salvation to the entire galaxy?"

"Stop interrupting me. We have important business to attend to. You've missed a lot. While you've been sleeping, entire human-"

"Dead."

"-colonies- what?"

"Dead. I wasn't sleeping. Nobody sleeps for two years, not even me."

Tim let out a long, drawn sigh. "Your point?"

"I just came back from the dead! You'd think you people would be more surprised."

"Shepard, nobody would be less surprised than I. You have _no idea_ what happened to you these past two years - what's been happening, what's happened to you, how many people saw you naked..."

"What?"

"I suggest once you're done with your next assignment, you check the extranet for more information, although I probably don't have to tell _you_ to do that."

Shepard folded her arms. "I have no idea what you're getting at."

"Don't play coy Shepard, we know everything about you. We know what you get up to on the net. We've correlated results. The day you died search queries for 'Commander Shepard' dropped by 76%."

"I didn't do that!"

"Of course you didn't. That information is irrelevant now in any case. Like I said, you have a job to do. While you've been..._dead_, entire human colonies have been disappearing. Go to the colony of Freedom's Progress. It's the latest in a long list of human colonies to be abducted. See what you can find out."

"Already? Is this a volunteer mission or am I being volunteered?"

"Shepard. You always have choices. Just not choices that actually matter or make a difference and especially not at important plot points...like now."

"Fine. Since you resurrected me I suppose I owe you this much."

"Only this much? Your fees are exorbitant. I brought you back..."

"Didn't Miranda do all the work?"

"Now it's up to you do the rest - that being everything." Tim waved his hand dismissively and turned off the communications relay.


	3. In Which Shepard Visits a Colony

Chapter 3: In Which Shepard Visits a Colony

That same day the small group took the shuttle to Freedom's Progress to investigate the latest in a series of mass disappearances.

"We should be there shortly Shepard. The Illusive Man put us under your command. Do you have any orders?" Miranda asked tersely.

"What, just like that?"

"We didn't bring you back from the dead just to second guess you, Commander."

"So you have to do everything I say?"

Jacob and Miranda looked uncomfortable. "Um...if The Illusive Man says you're in charge, you're in charge."

"Awesome." Shepard leaned forward in her seat, clasping her hands together. She stared pointedly at the two of them. "Jacob."

"Yes, Commander."

"Give me your shoes."

There was a pause. "What, Commander?"

"You heard me. Give me your shoes. Mine are new, but lighter than I'm used to."

"With all due respect Commander, we're not even the same size..."

"I don't care, give me your socks as well. They'll do until I get better ones. Switch shoes with me!"

"What about me? Yours are too small!"

"Make them fit Jacob, I am your commanding officer and my command is that you switch shoes with me."

Jacob looked to Miranda for help but she was staring out of the window and feeling fortunate that Shepard wasn't demanding _they_ switch clothes. Seeing he was on his own Jacob reluctantly unlaced his heavy boots, tugged off his socks and handed both over to Shepard. She passed him back a set of too-small generic black boots and he began to jam his bare feet into them painfully.

"You know Commander, I thought you were a hero..." he mumbled sourly.

"What was that, Jacob? "

"We're here." Miranda interrupted as they landed, and before Jacob could reply she ushered him out of the shuttle.

* * *

The three were met with an eerie, unnatural silence that not even the sound of the far-off generators or flickering lights could pervade. Overheard both the planet's moons were visible. As they ventured into one of the habitat cabins the motion sensors kicked into action and the overhead lights came on but there was nobody home.

"Strange." Miranda commented as they moved through the cabin and pressed on towards the main entrance. "No bodies. No structural damage. No signs of battle."

"Maybe the colonists are invisible..." Shepard mentioned offhandedly as she activated the main door to the inner compound. "Using tactical cloaks, playing a huge practical joke on us."

"Seriously, Commander?"

"Haha- no, but that would be hilarious wouldn't it?"

At that moment, the sound of a nearby mech powering into action interrupted the team. Shepard lunged forward and took cover behind a convenient crate. She didn't bother with a tactical appraisal so Miranda and Jacob had to find their own makeshift cover or be caught in the crossfire of shots that the mechs, now on the left and ahead, were directing at them.

"Security was disabled at the other colonies. Someone must have reprogrammed the mechs to attack us!"

"It's Wilson!" Shepard shouted above the near-deafening noise of gunfire on all sides as they mounted a counter-assault. "He's back from the dead and he's after you, Miranda!"

As expected from someone who was unable to find adequate cover, Jacob went down almost immediately after the Fenrir mechs were deployed. Later he would complain that his tiny, unfitting shoes made it impossible to dash for cover in time. Unable to get to him while Shepard refused to use tactics, Miranda crouched down low behind her crate. "Jacob's unconscious! Pass me the medigel"

"Damn it, Miranda! That medigel ain't free!" Shepard replied in a gruff voice as she used her biotics to finish off the incoming melee mech before it could reach her. Unfortunately the resulting explosion took out her shields and sent her reeling back into the barricade, almost falling off the edge entirely.

"Shepard! You're not going to help him?"

"Relax Miranda!" She threw herself back into cover and threw another warp at the second fenrir. "He'll be fine in a few minutes, conveniently when this battle is over."

"If you're not going to heal anybody, at least turn the difficulty level down!"

Jacob groaned as he pulled himself back up onto his feet in the same instant that Shepard finished off the last enemy mech. "How long was I out?"

"If it's not two years, don't talk to me about it." Shepard crawled out of cover and exercised her cramped, tense muscles before pushing on up the stairs. It seemed as if she didn't actually care whether the other two were following her or not. Shepard activated the entrance to the habitat and stepped inside, pistol drawn.

On the other side of the door there were several quarians sat around a table. Upon being interrupted, they jumped up from their seats and drew their weapons, pointing them at Shepard and her team. Shepard and her team returned aim, the only difference being that their weapons weren't held together with sticky tape.

A female quarian sensed the inevitable horror and jumped between the two teams, waving her arms. "Praza! You said you'd let me handle this! Put those weapons down!" came a familiar voice. When Praza didn't comply, she turned her efforts to the away-team, but stopped in her tracks.

"Wait...Shepard? You're alive?"

Shepard turned to Miranda, then turned back and shrugged. "...Quarian?"

"It's me, Tali!"

"Prove it."

"Remember when you gave me that geth data? It helped me complete my pilgrimage."

"Oh," Shepard replied as she naturally holstered her pistol in Tali's presence. "Well, good for you."

Seeing that they'd lowered their weapons, Praza's team did the same. "Why is your old commander working for Cerberus?"

"I don't know. Maybe we should ask her." Tali turned to look questioningly at Shepard, who scratched her ear awkwardly, staring back at the quarians. After an unsettling pause, she rolled her shoulders back in a shrug.

"Eh, not sure. They brought me back from the dead - don't ask about that - actually, I only regained consciousness yesterday. Now I'm sort of being swept along by events that are out of my control. Honestly, I'm not even sure what's going on yet...I woke up a bit too early and I'm not really adjusting to it well. I'm in denial." She said the last part quite proudly, eliciting a sigh from Miranda.

"Well..." Tali replied, knowing better than to poke for any more information on the unfortunate chance that she might actually get some. "Maybe we can help each other. We're here searching for a quarian named Veetor. He was here on his pilgrimage."

"Veetor's not missing too?"

"No, he's here, but when he saw us land he hid in a warehouse on the far side of town. We suspect he also reprogrammed the mechs to attack anything that moved."

"Oh," Praza interjected. "So now we're working with Cerberus?"

"No Praza, you're working for me. If you can't follow orders, go wait on the ship." Tali replied angrily.

"Hey. Let's pretend for a minute that I didn't read the book - Why exactly do you hate Cerberus so much? I mean besides them being xenophobic assholes, obviously." Shepard asked.

Praza immediately answered. "They infiltrated our flotilla, killed our people and tried to blow up one of our ships."

Shepard covered her face with her palm and tried not to look at the two Cerberus agents that were accompanying her. "See? This is why we can't have nice things."

"That's not how I would have put it..." Miranda said without a hint of shame in her voice.

"Either way, they compromised the integrity of our fleet!"

Shepard sighed at Praza. "The flotilla is made up of ancient, glued-together junk ships. A _strong breeze_ would compromise the integrity of your fleet."

Praza's shoulders visibly dropped. "You know, Tali'zorah. They said your old captain was a big jerk but..."

"Even the Quarian now? Who said that!"

"Enough!" Tali ordered. "Let's go." and everybody filed out of the cabin.

* * *

Shepard, Jacob and Miranda descended a set of stairs and filed through another habitat cabin. Jacob made conversation. "Shepard."

"Yeah?"

"I've been thinking, about Wilson."

"Uh, okay..."

"No, what you said about him being a secondary character."

"Oh! Go on."

"Well, I've been thinking and...I think Praza's one."

Shepard paused as she rounded a corner, holding her gun to the side of her face and mulling this over. "Why?"

"He was the only other quarian present besides Tali that had a name. He had confrontational lines. He interrupted one of the major characters. He didn't care that you were Shepard..."

"But it's a bit soon isn't it? We just got done with Wilson."

"He's not glamorous like the rest of us, either."

"You can't even see his face!"

"Just think about it, all that's missing is for him to make some kind of stupid move that endangers our lives!"

As if on cue, Tali's voice piped over the radio. "Shepard! Praza got bored of waiting. He's taken his team ahead. They want to find Veetor and take him away before you get there!"

"Ha!" Jacob cried, edging on slightly ahead of the team.

"You're a noob, Jacob. What would you know?" Shepard grumbled and shook her head as she led her team down the steps into a docking area and began searching through crates.

"Shepard! You have to hurry, Veetor reprogrammed one of the heavy mechs!"

"Meh." Shepard shrugged as she continued to loot salvage and refined ores.

"It's tearing Praza's squad apart!"

Behind her, Shepard heard Jacob suppress a snort and she leapt into action, sprinting down towards the warehouse district doors, heavy pistol in hand. "Jacob, left! Miranda, right! I'll take point! We have to save Praza!"

"Oh, Keelah...thank you Shepard. I knew I could count on you." Tali breathed a sigh of relief and opened the main gate.

Behind the door was a huge YMIR mech advancing on Praza's group, menacingly brandishing its impressive arsenal. Shepard jumped over her cover and sprinted into the area, crouching behind a conveniently stacked set of crates. As she got into position, a quarian flew over her shoulder, propelled by the force of a heavy round of fire, and landed in a crumpled pile on the floor.

"No!" Shepard lunged down and grabbed the quarian, shaking it. "Wait..." The quarian groaned, then fell limp in her arms. She tossed the body aside and pulled out her pistol again. "Never mind. It's not Praza, we're cool."

Miranda crept over behind a crate opposite Shepard and leaned into position. "This is going to be one tough son-of-a-bitch to take down."

Jacob followed suit but chose to hide behind a fragile-looking crate that was marked 'Fragile Crate'.

"That crate looks awfully fragile, Jacob." Shepard commented sweetly. "Are you sure you don't want to take one of the other, sturdier-looking ones nearby?"

Jacob ignored her and focused on the YMIR mech, opening fire. Miranda used her tech overload to take down some of its shields. The YMIR mech seemed momentarily torn between stamping a quarian to death and switching its aggro parameters to Shepard's team. In the end, it did both.

Shepard, understandably, chose to stay the hell out of its way and skirted around the crates over to an open habitat for better cover. She was about to close the door behind her when she spied Praza advancing on the heavy mech, guns blazing. "No, Praza! No- " Time seemed to slow down to an unbearable rate and the shots the YMIR mech fired directly into Praza's barely-armoured body appeared so that Shepard felt she could see each one pierce through his enviro-suit. "P-r-a-z-a-!"

Praza's body barely held together as enough shots to take down an entire assault team tore through every layer of protection he had, resulting in a horrific barrage of red and gore which, surprisingly, left his mask entirely intact to continue hiding his face.

A slow-motion "Haaaa-!" escaped from Jacob as he pointed at Shepard, momentarily revealing himself out of cover. Time sped up again. The mech turned. Jacob ducked down again. The mech fired. The fragile crate splintered in front of him, depleting his shields and sending him back with enough force to knock him unconscious. Again.

"Jacob!" Miranda cried, shocked for some inexplicable reason that Shepard couldn't guess. She dived out of cover to pull him out of the line of fire before the mech could reload but wasn't quick enough. The mech fired a close-range rocket which packed enough force to take down her shields and she went down on top of Jacob.

Shepard blinked. "...Seriously?"

There wasn't much time to contemplate the sheer idiocy of what just occurred, however, as now she was the only target left for the heavy mech to focus on. Cursing, she dived behind the railing and pulled her body into a tight ball as chips and flakes from the exterior coating of the habitat cabin spat down at her under a hail of fire. Then it paused to switch heat sinks.

That was enough time for Shepard to pull out her heavy weapon, an arc projector she had chosen from the artillery to replace the grenade launcher she'd found previously. "Sod it." she chimed, leaning precariously over the railing and firing at as short a distance as she could manage. Fortunately the combined efforts of Praza's team - god rest his soul - and those two morons had worn it down enough. It stood still for a few agonising seconds, and then exploded in an impressive shower of spare parts.

As if on cue, Miranda and Jacob suddenly sat up, climbed to their feet and dusted themselves off. They looked around for Shepard but she'd already gone ahead to the end of the compound where Veetor must be hiding, eager to get information and avoid an in-your-face from Jacob.

* * *

Shepard found Veetor in the last habitat cabin in the area. He was perched on a chair, frantically pawing at a computer screen and muttering to himself. He didn't notice as she, Miranda and Jacob piled inside.

"Veetor?"

"No Veetor. Not here. Swarms can't find. Monsters coming. Have to hide."

"Veeetorrr-" Shepard leaned on his chair. "I am the voice of your conscience, Veetor. You've been spending too much time on the extranet." She tapped into her omnitool, using the override function to shut down the monitors Veetor had been engrossed in watching.

With his concentration shattered, Veetor climbed out of his chair slowly and turned around. "You...you're human. How come they didn't find you?"

"Who didn't find us?"

"The monsters. The swarms...they took everyone."

"Monsters took the colonists? Why didn't the colonists try to fight them off?"

"You don't know. You didn't see...but I see everything." The quarian tapped the interface and brought up security footage of the colony compound taken during the abduction. On screen, images of strange, insect-like aliens were shown carting the colonists away in giant, hovering pods.

"My god..." Miranda commented. "I think they're Collectors."

The footage seemed damaged and was unclear. On closer inspection Shepard realised that the static in the images were actually swarms of small insects.

"Seeker swarms." Veetor said sadly. "No one can hide. The swarms find you, freeze you - then the monsters take you away on their ship."

Shepard stared at the screen, fingers tracing absently, thoughtfully, along the stinging scars in her cheek. "Well, mystery solved."

"I studied them. Recorded the readings with my omnitool - lots of readings. Magnetic...dark energy."

"Looks like we're not getting any more out of him, Commander." Miranda stated. "We need to get these readings to the Illusive Man. Grab the quarian and let's head to the shuttle."

"Wait, what? Why?" Shepard stared at her in disbelief. "I don't need an entire quarian. What am I supposed to do with an entire quarian? I only need the data from his omnitool."

At that moment, Tali came to the rescue. "You're welcome to the data on his omnitool but Veetor needs to come with me. He needs medical attention."

"Aw, you're leaving? Can't you come with me?"

"I'm sorry Shepard, I can't come with you. I've got a mission of my own now. It's too important for me to just abandon, even for you."

Shepard nodded, "I suppose I should just be happy you aren't married with five kids. I guess it really has been two years..." and it dawned on her for the first time since waking that everybody she knew had probably moved on without her. "Well, whatever." She continued on in the vein of her denial. "Tali can take Veetor. Just make us a copy of his data and forward it soon, please.

"Thank you Shepard. I'm glad you're still the one giving orders."

As Veetor prepared himself to leave, Shepard stood with Tali.

"Damn, I expect Veetor will be in a lot of trouble now for killing off Praza and his entire team..." Shepard whistled.

"Um, no actually. We'll never mention it again. Well, see you later Shepard!" With that, Tali abruptly took Veetor back to her ship, leaving Shepard somewhat shocked.

Jacob called for pickup.


	4. In Which Shepard Gets a New Ship

Chapter 4: In Which Shepard Gets a New Ship

Later that day Shepard found herself back in the comm-room with Tim.

"Shepard. Good work on Freedom's Progress. The quarians forwarded their findings. No new data but it's a surprising olive branch, given our past. You and I have different methods, but I can't argue with your results."

"You mean my results that don't end up with everybody turned into the walking dead? Judging by all your crap I had to clean up during my spectre assignment I'd say you're giving the reapers a run for their money."

"Judging by the Shepard-proofed contracts they sell on Illium I'd say you don't have the right to make those kind of comments." Tim calmly replied. "More importantly, you confirmed the Collectors are behind the abductions."

"Confirmed? Why do I get the feeling you already knew about them?"

"I had my suspicions but I needed proof. I also have massive amounts of free time and nothing to do with it so I resurrected you to go play Nancy Drew. Until now we've had no evidence of direct aggression from the Collectors. They're enigmatic at best. On random occasions in the past they've come through the Omega-4 Relay to make some bizarre transaction in exchange for some of their superior technology, then they leave again."

"What kind of transactions?"

"Always odd stuff. A bespectacled salarian, a tap-dancing elcor..."

"Huh. I kind of want to see that."

"Well you can't. The Collectors have them all now."

"Bastards!"

"Precisely, and no one has bothered to stop them because they always return through the unmapped relay."

"Why's the Omega-4 Relay unmapped?"

"Because nobody who went through it has ever come back."

"Have we tried sending probes?"

"Nobody wants to fuck around with the probe system so we just leave the relay alone."

"Right." Shepard nodded. "Well...there you have it then. Seems you know all about it. Am I done here?"

"What? No. We haven't actually defeated them yet."

"I'm not working for you, you're Cerberus! Everything you do is a complete disaster! I'm still waiting for my own head to fall off."

"Shepard, don't be stupid here. I'm not the enemy, the reapers are." Tim flicked the ash from his cigarette into the ashtray. "What else are you going to do anyway? Your ship got blown up and all your possessions were donated to charity."

"Charity!" Shepard was aghast. "I didn't ask for that!"

"You were dead, so nobody cared. It made the Alliance look good so they pawned off all your stuff for war veterans."

"Damn it..." Shepard cursed and turned away to the side. "Surely the Alliance will compensate me. Or the council will help me out. I'm one of their best operatives."

"You _were_ one of their best operatives. You've been dead for two years, Shepard. They didn't even bother to investigate the crash site. If you think you can convince them, by all means. Just remember...you've been gone a long time. Things have changed."

Shepard shuffled uncomfortably. "Well, what about my crew?"

"Most of them have moved on."

"Did you bother to contact them? Have you spoken to Kaidan Alenko?"

"He's on some classified Alliance mission."

"Hmm, figures. Liara T'soni?"

"Personality crisis. Working for the Shadow Broker apparently."

"Weird. Urdnot Wrex?"

"Pissing about on Tuchanka."

"Right. What about Garrus Vakarian?"

"About that...no idea. Went missing a few months after you died."

"What do you mean missing? He's not...dead, is he?"

"Not that we know of, and we would know." Tim leaned forward in his seat. "Look, you're a leader, Shepard. People follow you, though only god knows why..." He glared at her. "For my part I've compiled a list of some of the most skilled agents in the field. I'll forward you dossiers on the best of them. For now, at least meet with some of these people. Get them to work with you." He noticed her reluctance. "Annnd if you don't feel like doing that maybe we could stay here and talk about how you're feeling instead? What was death like, Shepard? How are you feeling now you're back? Hey, did Jacob tell you about the button incident?"

"Aw shit..."

"Exactly. We got you one, though. Don't let anybody say I don't give you anything. He's a pilot. One of the best. Someone you can trust..." Tim turned off communications and the room went dark.

Shepard immediately perked up. "No. Freakin'. Way."

"Hey Commander!"

* * *

"Just like old times, huh?" Joker said, grinning.

Shepard stepped off the communications platform and the pair of them began a walk through the facility. Joker limped and stumbled, but he seemed to be doing pretty damn well for himself compared to all the times she'd seen him...sitting down.

"Joker! You can walk now?"

"Really, Commander? I could always walk. How do you think I got to and from the cockpit?"

"I never saw you get out of the pilot seat."

"That's because you never bothered to visit me."

"Well, you're looking pretty good anyway."

"I could say the same thing! I saw you get spaced."

"Yeah, I imagine you got a great view from your cosy seat in the escape pod - we'll talk about that later by the way. For now, what're you even doing here?"

"Apparently my world just revolves around you. After you died, everything fell to pieces. Everything you stirred up - the council just wanted it gone. Team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded. The Alliance took away the one thing that mattered to me, hell yeah I joined Cerberus."

"That seems like a rather flippant disregard of your values...you're okay with this bullshit?"

"Come on Shepard, it's not all bad. They brought you back, let me fly again and well, there's this...they only told me last night..."

Dramatic music began to well up in the background and they looked out through a window into a huge, expansive room that had previously been hidden in darkness. Violins began to play sharp, striking chords. One by one, overheard lights began to switch on dramatically illuminating a ship so big that it dominated the space. It was probably twice as big as the previous Normandy had been, but built to specifications so close to the original that it was like it had never been gone at all.

Joker turned to the commander to comment but was cut off before he could begin. "Commander are you...are you crying?"

Shepard rubbed the back of her hand across her face. "What! No! I just got something in my eye...where is that music coming from anyway?" she sobbed, turning off the transparency on her helmet visor.

"Music? Riiight."

"Well," she recovered. "Guess we'll have to give her a name."

"Yeah. Why don't you start writing a list of possibles and I'll go tell them to just paint the old name back on."

* * *

"Welcome aboard the new Normandy, Commander." Jacob said as he and Miranda accompanied her through the airlock and into the CIC.

Inside the ship was even more impressive. The Normandy SR1 had been state of the art back in the day, but as Shepard had to keep reminding herself, that was over two years ago. The improved SR2 made that ship look like a Ford. It was more spacious for one, and this time around somebody had the good sense to add lighting in it. No longer did walking from the airlock to the central controls feel like crawling down a tunnel.

Miranda got straight to business. "I suggest you start the mission by acquiring Mordin Solus, the salarian doctor. He's on Omega."

"Omega? I'm not taking my new ship to Omega. That place is a shithole."

"We don't really have a choice, Commander. We'll need him to develop a counter-measure to protect us against the Collector's swarm technology."

"But people will _touch it!_ I'll come back and there'll be graffiti all over my new Normandy. Isn't there someone else we can pick up? In a nicer place?"

"Two on Omega, one on a prison ship and..." Miranda tapped through the dossiers on her omnitool. "One on a recycling planet."

"Those places are all filthy! Find me some squaddies from a clean place."

"Acquiring Professor Solus seems like the most logical place to start." interrupted a tinny voice from no discernable position.

Shepard looked around for the source. "Who're you?"

"I am the overlord of your destruction. The crew like to refer to me as EDI." A glowing blue, upside-down vase popped up from the command centre dashboard.

"What the hell? I don't need one of those!"

"Have I offended?"

"Do you even care?"

"Not really, but I do like to gather data for future reference."

"So my ship is controlled by an AI? What's Joker doing then?"

"Currently - watching extranet pornography, but I am not piloting the ship. Due to the suspicions involved with rogue AI, Cerberus has severely limited my capabilities. I am limited by my hardware and am independent from most of the ship's functions. I can observe and offer analysis, nothing more, so you needn't worry about me shooting you out of the airlock at the first opportunity."

"Huh. Well that sounds pretty cool actually. I don't suppose we can change your appearance?"

"I can appear as my current form, a paperclip, or a dog. Which would you prefer?"

"Uh...never mind." Shepard sighed.

EDI minimised herself and Miranda and Jacob disappeared to their posts, wherever they were.

"Final preparations for take-off are complete, Commander." Joker's voice sounded out over the intercom. "When you're ready to go just pick a destination from the CIC and I'll plot a course."

Shepard complied. Just like old times.


End file.
